Learning this was a huge shift around in my trauma recovery. I spent so much of my life thinking and believing that anything BAD can happen at any time, whilst completely forgetting that anything GOOD can happen any time too! Training my brain to notice all the ways that life magically and wonderfully brings surprise joy, help, opportunity, inspiration, change, has been key in learning how to slowly disengage from my terrified hypervigilance. Because good things happen aaaaall the time! Now, not knowing what is going to happen feels like this wonderful, wonderful gift. I love that everything keeps changing. I love not knowing. I love sticking around to find out what happens next. I deeply trust in more good than bad and that I will always be blessed in countless unpredictable ways, because that's what the evidence shows me, over and over. x
This resonates hard. Except I think for me the causality was the other way around: as my trauma unwound, it made space for belief in the possibility of positive outcomes and random positive serendipity. This comment is such a beautiful expression of the thrill and wonder of not knowing. Thank you so much for sharing your magic!
This piece came out when I was recovering from my latest infection and I’m so glad I took the time to read it today. Your words are such gifts, Rachel: deep, dark (in the best way), with moments of humour that I recognize with glee. What if both of us return, like Sauron, to full power? Yes!
Love this. The concepts of impermanence and surrender circling again and again, and what teaches us to let go is so often an experience of suffering. You capture it all brilliantly (as usual).
About the body remembering...I regularly cycle back into studying somatics and embodiment because, well, my intuition leads me there again and again. The body remembers. And wants to tell its story. Which is my story. The most authentic one I've got.
Thanks for this Rachel. I look forward to making my own What if list.
The minister of my church went in for a routine surgery. The surgery was a success and the next day he died of a massive heart attack. I can only imagine the mix of terror and exhilaration in those last few moments.
Those kinds of stories skip the record of the mind a little bit, upend what we think we know about risk. Anything can happen any time indeed. Thank you for reading, Hal. Wishing you as much ease as possible in this moment.
When I had top surgery earlier this year, there was a young lady (I don’t know if she was a nurse or part of the anesthesiologist team) who stood beside me when they first brought me into the OR. Being someone with severe PTSD, I was terrified to be put to sleep (a huge loss of control), so I was shaking like a leaf on the table.
But this young lady asked me, “Can I hold your hand?” And she petted me with her thumb. Soothed me to sleep. The rest of that week involved a second emergency surgery, a seizure, a blood transfusion, and a bunch of other scary shit — but I remember that moment and the compassion she showed me.
What a beautiful moment, thank you for sharing it. It’s amazing how a gesture of kindness and humanity can make all the difference. I didn’t really touch on PTSD at all in this piece, which is interesting, both because trauma definitely informs my experience of surgery, and because I think trauma is often what makes the difference between meeting the unknown with terror vs hope. I’m sorry for all you went through in the week following your top surgery. I can’t imagine how awful that must have been. Thanks so much for reading and for sharing your experience here ❤️
I really love this list! A puff of malice and glitter. OOF! Thank you for sharing. I'll be thinking through the day on what might be on my what if list.
Wouldn’t that be great tho?? Fuck that guy. I’m so glad this spoke to you, and I’m so glad you’re putting together your own list. I think these kinds of exercises can rekindle a connection with what’s possible that our culture works hard to shut down. Thanks for reading!!
I love this! As a cancer survivor, I had my views on mortality and control completely upended in the course of one phone call from my doctor with the results of my biopsy results. “Anything can happen any time” is the lesson that’s the been the most challenging to teach my children. Possibly one can’t fully appreciate it until a certain age — or sum of difficulties — has been reached. Beautifully written, my friend.
Thank you Kenny! There’s such a difference between what we can explain with words and what we understand in our bodies. I know you’re there to help your kids make sense of their own tough experiences as they happen, tho. #worldsbestdad
Learning this was a huge shift around in my trauma recovery. I spent so much of my life thinking and believing that anything BAD can happen at any time, whilst completely forgetting that anything GOOD can happen any time too! Training my brain to notice all the ways that life magically and wonderfully brings surprise joy, help, opportunity, inspiration, change, has been key in learning how to slowly disengage from my terrified hypervigilance. Because good things happen aaaaall the time! Now, not knowing what is going to happen feels like this wonderful, wonderful gift. I love that everything keeps changing. I love not knowing. I love sticking around to find out what happens next. I deeply trust in more good than bad and that I will always be blessed in countless unpredictable ways, because that's what the evidence shows me, over and over. x
This resonates hard. Except I think for me the causality was the other way around: as my trauma unwound, it made space for belief in the possibility of positive outcomes and random positive serendipity. This comment is such a beautiful expression of the thrill and wonder of not knowing. Thank you so much for sharing your magic!
This piece came out when I was recovering from my latest infection and I’m so glad I took the time to read it today. Your words are such gifts, Rachel: deep, dark (in the best way), with moments of humour that I recognize with glee. What if both of us return, like Sauron, to full power? Yes!
Yes yes yes!! So glad this resonated, thank you for reading ❤️
Love this. The concepts of impermanence and surrender circling again and again, and what teaches us to let go is so often an experience of suffering. You capture it all brilliantly (as usual).
About the body remembering...I regularly cycle back into studying somatics and embodiment because, well, my intuition leads me there again and again. The body remembers. And wants to tell its story. Which is my story. The most authentic one I've got.
Thanks for this Rachel. I look forward to making my own What if list.
The minister of my church went in for a routine surgery. The surgery was a success and the next day he died of a massive heart attack. I can only imagine the mix of terror and exhilaration in those last few moments.
Those kinds of stories skip the record of the mind a little bit, upend what we think we know about risk. Anything can happen any time indeed. Thank you for reading, Hal. Wishing you as much ease as possible in this moment.
When I had top surgery earlier this year, there was a young lady (I don’t know if she was a nurse or part of the anesthesiologist team) who stood beside me when they first brought me into the OR. Being someone with severe PTSD, I was terrified to be put to sleep (a huge loss of control), so I was shaking like a leaf on the table.
But this young lady asked me, “Can I hold your hand?” And she petted me with her thumb. Soothed me to sleep. The rest of that week involved a second emergency surgery, a seizure, a blood transfusion, and a bunch of other scary shit — but I remember that moment and the compassion she showed me.
What a beautiful moment, thank you for sharing it. It’s amazing how a gesture of kindness and humanity can make all the difference. I didn’t really touch on PTSD at all in this piece, which is interesting, both because trauma definitely informs my experience of surgery, and because I think trauma is often what makes the difference between meeting the unknown with terror vs hope. I’m sorry for all you went through in the week following your top surgery. I can’t imagine how awful that must have been. Thanks so much for reading and for sharing your experience here ❤️
Thanks for this. You’ve given me a new mantra and a title to the album I recorded this morning 💕🍄🟫
That is frickin awesome! I would love to hear some of the music if it’s available online!
Yep, tons of music on my Substack and my Bandcamp. I’ll share the post here once I get it up in a bit. 💕
And here it is! https://substack.mxqidlove.com/p/anything-can-happen-anytime :D
I’m just blown away! What a haunting, mesmerizing work.
Love this. Real and potent. Thank you.
Thanks for reading! ❤️
Gorgeous, yes!
So powerful, Rachel. Thank you for the beautiful possibilities you have imagined. May they *spontaneously* emerge :) <3
❤️❤️❤️ thank you, friend.
I really love this list! A puff of malice and glitter. OOF! Thank you for sharing. I'll be thinking through the day on what might be on my what if list.
Wouldn’t that be great tho?? Fuck that guy. I’m so glad this spoke to you, and I’m so glad you’re putting together your own list. I think these kinds of exercises can rekindle a connection with what’s possible that our culture works hard to shut down. Thanks for reading!!
I love this! As a cancer survivor, I had my views on mortality and control completely upended in the course of one phone call from my doctor with the results of my biopsy results. “Anything can happen any time” is the lesson that’s the been the most challenging to teach my children. Possibly one can’t fully appreciate it until a certain age — or sum of difficulties — has been reached. Beautifully written, my friend.
Thank you Kenny! There’s such a difference between what we can explain with words and what we understand in our bodies. I know you’re there to help your kids make sense of their own tough experiences as they happen, tho. #worldsbestdad