10 Comments
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Portia Gough's avatar

I love this piece so much. The way you weave personal and collective stories of struggle and death and the clarity it brings is powerful and engaging. And I've been grappling with the incredibly salient questions you close with. I'm currently struggling with the dismantling of academic science in our country, because I'm an academic scientist. The thing I devoted myself to and sacrificed for is being slowly pulled out of my hands and it's incredibly painful. But it also feels strangely like an opportunity to grow something else beautiful. I don't know what that is though and I have bills to pay, etc so my anxiety levels can get pretty high these days.

I always arrive at the answer of silent presence, to keep cultivating the habit of presence. Sitting almost everyday in quiet presence, returning to the simple cycle of my breath again and again in moments throughout the day to find the still truth amidst the countless things that pull at our attention. I find guidance comes into this space and I get a little more clear about what I really want to do in a given moment (it's usually not mindless scrolling). There's so much power in claiming a little pause to really feel into my heart instead of following an impulse. Cultivating the communal spaces you describe also feels incredibly important right now, connections that disrupt the focus on self and widen our orbit of care.

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This is Rachel's avatar

Pausing is such a powerful answer to the question of how to stay focused when the forces of habit and cultural inertia are pulling us toward unconsciousness. And, yes, those communal spaces where we can hold shared values together are everything. Thanks for this beautiful comment! I can't imagine how helpless and frustrated you must feel as your field--and livelihood--are systematically attacked. I hope that feeling of opportunity flowers into something beautiful. Thanks for being in community with me here, and thanks for reading <3

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illustr8d's avatar

I will never look at this card again without thinking “you have no chill.”

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This is Rachel's avatar

I love this.

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Ava Robinson's avatar

Hi you xx

Come on, polenta!! I’m so glad to be reading your writing again.

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This is Rachel's avatar

Thank you, so glad you're here for the journey <3

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Ava Robinson's avatar

Wouldn’t miss it xx

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Double Life Mom's avatar

Thanks for sharing your journey with such lovely detail I could feel myself in your kitchen smelling the polenta and feeling the warmth of the sun rays on my skin.

The silence that comes with the down is a time for clarification and I am one to say give yourself the little dumb things and enjoy them thoroughly. I do think some of us have the capacity to swing in the depths from despair to ecstasy AND we don’t have to do it so fast. Really being the ups and downs like you have experienced are what makes life full but as I age I see I need to slow things a bit like your other reader said about the pause.

There is something in OM called the orgasm cycle that may be interesting to you. It talks about how to approach the phases of life.

But these times drive us faster wanting to correct all the wrongs with gusto. Ive been here so many times before and can find myself burnt out and exhausted and unable to move at all. I’m trying out a drip approach as I move into my crone phase. Those hormones dictated my pause and the urgency before and I’m allowing my energy to come out slowly and hoping it will be sustained as I have no other choice.

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Leo Ruthe's avatar

This is truly one of my favorite pieces of yours. Just reread it, and it’s so perfect for these times…especially for those of us who have been dealt more than our fair share of Towers. ⚡️

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This is Rachel's avatar

Thanks, friend. Love you <3

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