Have wandered over from WITD, and delighted to see an expansion of the piece about your drama teacher. I love your questions. Have been living with chronic illness/pain for decades now, and I've never really thought about the intersection of illness and gender in this way. For me, it's been aging that has dulled gender, allowed me to more fully feel and see the ways in which "female" was never a very good fit--even as I fully fit expectations for being female and used my ability to conform to my advantage when I could. It's not that I feel masculine; it's more like you put it: "And I find myself looking, in the absence of outer feedback, for an inherent feeling of gender, of being gendered. And finding…nothing." It's definitely one of the upsides of getting older, and maybe of having my physical limitations taking me out of caring about things I once did.
"Or as if, when you’re isolated from the outside world, there’s nothing to push up against, so you begin to lose your shape. You’re no longer mirrored back to yourself by how your environment, and other people, respond to you."
This is a very astute observation, and it's something that I think millions of people experienced during Covid, although to a lesser degree of intensity than yourself.
In my high school acting class, we were supposed to create a little 2-minute play about ourselves. I was dumbfounded at the notion of somehow making my inner life outer; it seemed impossible to do in a way that anyone else would experience as entertainment. I ended up coming up with and reciting funny nicknames for all my classmates. I did not consciously understand this at the time, but the statement I was making was that this "I" you insist on talking about exists only in relationship to you observers out there. I don't have a "real" personality and never have.
I agree, covid isolation created the same state of decontextualization, of groundlessness, for so many of us. Many people seem to have been able to shake it off, though. There’s a feeling of willful amnesia about that time in the zeitgeist. Do you think lockdown changed us? Or was it just this uncomfortable thing we went through and are trying to shake off? (FWIW, I don’t think covid is done with us.)
“I don't have a "real" personality and never have.”
The matrix is real, eh?
For me the fun of that type of assignment—and of personal writing—is discovering myself on the page as I emerge in interaction, in the interface. But I am a great big Leo ♌️ rising and love to perform.
Thanks for this comment! I hadn’t really thought about all this in terms of aging. But age has such a huge impact on others expectations and projections. It’s funny, I first got sick in my mid 30s, and then pandemic hit, and I got sick again, and now I’m in my early 40s, and I’m honestly not really sure how others see, bc my limitations do keep me fairly sheltered. Anyway—really appreciate your thoughts!
Wow absolutely in love with your writing style, perspective, and decadent word choice. Such a delight to feast the brain on.
Decadent, yes! Words are best when dipped in chocolate, savored! Thanks for reading <3
Have wandered over from WITD, and delighted to see an expansion of the piece about your drama teacher. I love your questions. Have been living with chronic illness/pain for decades now, and I've never really thought about the intersection of illness and gender in this way. For me, it's been aging that has dulled gender, allowed me to more fully feel and see the ways in which "female" was never a very good fit--even as I fully fit expectations for being female and used my ability to conform to my advantage when I could. It's not that I feel masculine; it's more like you put it: "And I find myself looking, in the absence of outer feedback, for an inherent feeling of gender, of being gendered. And finding…nothing." It's definitely one of the upsides of getting older, and maybe of having my physical limitations taking me out of caring about things I once did.
"Or as if, when you’re isolated from the outside world, there’s nothing to push up against, so you begin to lose your shape. You’re no longer mirrored back to yourself by how your environment, and other people, respond to you."
This is a very astute observation, and it's something that I think millions of people experienced during Covid, although to a lesser degree of intensity than yourself.
In my high school acting class, we were supposed to create a little 2-minute play about ourselves. I was dumbfounded at the notion of somehow making my inner life outer; it seemed impossible to do in a way that anyone else would experience as entertainment. I ended up coming up with and reciting funny nicknames for all my classmates. I did not consciously understand this at the time, but the statement I was making was that this "I" you insist on talking about exists only in relationship to you observers out there. I don't have a "real" personality and never have.
I agree, covid isolation created the same state of decontextualization, of groundlessness, for so many of us. Many people seem to have been able to shake it off, though. There’s a feeling of willful amnesia about that time in the zeitgeist. Do you think lockdown changed us? Or was it just this uncomfortable thing we went through and are trying to shake off? (FWIW, I don’t think covid is done with us.)
“I don't have a "real" personality and never have.”
The matrix is real, eh?
For me the fun of that type of assignment—and of personal writing—is discovering myself on the page as I emerge in interaction, in the interface. But I am a great big Leo ♌️ rising and love to perform.
Both insightful and stylistically appealing. Such a rewarding read.
That means a lot, coming from a dark poet such as yourself! 😁
Thanks for this comment! I hadn’t really thought about all this in terms of aging. But age has such a huge impact on others expectations and projections. It’s funny, I first got sick in my mid 30s, and then pandemic hit, and I got sick again, and now I’m in my early 40s, and I’m honestly not really sure how others see, bc my limitations do keep me fairly sheltered. Anyway—really appreciate your thoughts!