This has me thinking in so many new ways. Mostly about how if my body has so many constraints (mostly bedridden;ME+) then while reading this beautiful encouraging essay, my reaction was: I want no constraints on the page as a poet. To be bodily constrained but free poetically. I’m not sure yet what that would look like but it’s a thrilling thought! So thank you❣️
I also write from bed using my phone’s Notes app. I’m slow. I’ll write a line or stanza then my brain is done. My problem is I have many of these started poems but don’t always have the brainwidth to finish them. Something to ponder 🤔. How we have to be creative to figure out how to be creative 😂
“To be bodily constrained, but free poetically.” What a thrilling and beautiful thought! Thank you for sharing that. I struggle with the same issue, of only being able to write a little at a time before my nervous system says enough. Then when I come back to the work, I’m in a different place; it’s hard to maintain momentum. It changes the quality of my writing. We truly have to be creative to figure out how to be creative! Keep me posted on any strategies or insights you discover! And thanks so much for reading this, and for expressing solidarity <3
Yesssss!!!! Thank you for this. Every word. I loved your original post in WITD & this expanded piece is just WOW in its offering of even more resonance & brilliance.
I found my way back to writing while bedridden after an industrial van slammed into me one morning on the way to work.
I had physical, cognitive, & emotional recovery work that is still ongoing.
Though lots better, I still feel remnants of chronic pain & left over bits of a severe post-concussion syndrome; no doubt further complicated by unprocessed preceding trauma & multiple very close deaths in the aftermath. My stamina is simply not the same. Chronic pain vaccilates in its intensity- some days muted in the background & other days, center stage.
I appreciate you writing to this subject with nuance, & specificity; exploring with honesty, creativity & hope. I was always the writer (in grad school esp) who ran on adrenaline; produced work in bursts.
To be honest, I still default to it as my well-worn path. I continue to work hard to forge a new way for my nervous system, to come home to my body, and to access creativity with flexibility and patience. I get incredibly frustrated when life or my own limitations impede or interrupt my flow. I feel so validated and hopeful reading your piece. Thank you for sharing your experience and talent. Xoxo
I Totalllly get what you are saying about the ‘gift’ of illness/injury. I think it is true to say we found the ‘gift’ in our circumstances, felt around for what was there & waded in to this ‘both/and’ space. Or something like that!😂
I am now & maybe forever will be tending to my own hair-pin trigger nervous system. No matter how much I know (cognitively)- one cannot talk themselves safe. Our safety brains require a ‘felt sense.’ I study neuroception with captivated intensity, practice my nervous system routines, use my tools, see my therapist, write 😃-
And although I also feel more integrated - I can still find myself in frantic, wrought ‘spaces’ where I feel ill-equipped (at least for a time). The conditions of my ‘sensitivity’ intersecting with life’s harsh realities will no doubt have me persisting indefinitely in my quest of increasing my nervous system’s flexibility & capacity.
Thanks for this beautiful comment! I’m so glad this writing resonated with you. So much admiration and solidarity—I’m inspired that you found your way back to writing after such a catastrophic trauma, and I also hear your frustration. And I agree that unprocessed trauma affects our resiliency and can complicate illness and recovery. Trauma is absolutely correlated with getting the kind of post-viral illness I have, and a part of my recovery has involved processing trauma and healing my hair-trigger nervous system. I am a much more integrated person that I was before the gauntlet of illness. Which feels weird to say, bc obviously I’m not happy about being sick, but I am grateful that my illness has led me to practices for healing the nervous system and integrating trauma.
Isn’t that list of writers inspiring?? It is so important for us to be able to see possibility models in the world for what is possible. And also to find connection and solidarity with other folks who share our struggles ❤️
Girl. You know this resonates. I feel like I've gone through this in gradations, little deaths until the ultimate one with LongCovid (may it be the ultimate). This one's going to get printed out, tacked up at my workstation, keeping me honest with my body and myself and in solidarity with One Who Gets It. Also, *celebration* that your writing is getting longer and longer in this time, YAAAY!
It feels good when other people Get It, doesn't it? Thanks for your solidarity and friendship, and for this lovely feedback! It's funny, this newsletter is obv a platform for publishing and expressing myself, but at the same time this project is so much about learning to create in new ways, which is frustrating, and private, work. I think it's going to take a long time for me to really hit my stride working this way, in dribbles and drabbles over time, while also trying to keep the whole thing straight in my head. Your encouragement means a lot <3
As a full time carer of a grown-up son with severe Long Covid I find this resonates with me so much. I feel blind and bound, surrounded by swords represented by gaslighting doctors and well-meaning friends, who don't believe in LC or ME as a "real" disease. I live in an isolation bubble, knowing full well that any infection brought home will make the disease so much worse. I write in starts-and-stops, depending on how much time I get to myself in a day. "May anger transform into graceful and skillful action that nurtures and inspires new possibilities" resonates deeply. Thank you!!
Thank you for commenting! There are so many of us in our isolation bubbles, dealing with everyday emergencies and being left behind by the systems that are supposed to be serving and healing us. There are more of us every day. There is some strength to be found in the solidarity we create when we connect with each other. Sending so much love and solidarity to you and your son, from my bubble to yours.
This is so inspiring, thank you. I've been living with chronic fatigue for 13 years and the stop-start process of creation has often frustrated me. I love the idea of collaboration with yourself over time and letting ideas and drafts percolate more. I'm an impulsive, get-it-all-out-now type of writer usually so I'm intrigued by the possibilities you point to.
I’m the same way, a stop-and-start creative process does not come naturally to me. But I think it has changed my work in some positive ways. As you experiment with slowness I’d love to hear your thoughts on process and what works, this is still such a potent point of inquiry for me.
I love working from bed. I love my life for as much as I can muster. I even (at times) love my disabilities for enriching my life in ways I can’t even name. I have gratitude for my life and coming home to my body, even if it doesn’t want to come home to me. Thank you for putting words to feelings I didn’t know existed and being brave enough to be honest about your journey
Thank you for this beautiful comment! I’m striving to embody the kind of gratitude and pure magical love you describe. It’s a process! So glad this writing resonated.
Beautiful, all of it. The multiple cards, the yellow room, the adrenaline rush description that is so relatable. I took a Saturn course put on by the EK crew and it viewed constraint in this way.
I've been having my own version of this. I was thinking today that the universe seems to want to prevent me from being fully expressed and that's why it keeps presenting just basic level security issues and me constantly fighting with my body. I can feel all the energy pushing up against my ribs and tightening them. My body doesn't want to just sit in a f****** chair. Maybe I'm not supposed to be just expressing the thoughts in my head even though they're beautiful. Maybe I think they're beautiful. Maybe I'm over using this form of connection which is language. Maybe it's telling me that there should be another way to commune versus communicate. Maybe it's in the stillness in the silence. I hate that message. Maybe it's telling me my throat chakra is overused. I hate that message. My voice has always been my strength. Who do we become when we just have to be. That's when we be-come when we can no longer “do.” We are beings, not doings. I also hate that message. Just some ramblings caught by voice dictation.
Being, rather than doing, is so hard, though! Adepts spend lifetimes in meditation learning to be, rather than do. We always are trying to balance the two, and the balance is different for any given moment or situation. Anyway, I think the universe needs your voice, whatever obstacles it's putting in your way. Keep talking, keep writing, keep shining!! And thanks for reading, I'm so glad this resonated.
This really resonates with me too, I'm in the middle of an ME crash which has then helpfully brought on a fibromyalgia flare up 🙄 my body really is communicating the need for rest. Trying to pace my painting that keeps me sane and proper constructive rest
Ugh, I’m sorry you’re crashing! So much solidarity for moving through these experiences, trying to pace, and making space for your art! I hope you find some ease soon ❤️
Well, I’m a bit of a hypocrite, bc I’ve managed to crash myself in the adrenaline rush of last minute edits and posting. This learning curve is steep! Thanks for reading, and for sharing your experience and work ❤️
This has me thinking in so many new ways. Mostly about how if my body has so many constraints (mostly bedridden;ME+) then while reading this beautiful encouraging essay, my reaction was: I want no constraints on the page as a poet. To be bodily constrained but free poetically. I’m not sure yet what that would look like but it’s a thrilling thought! So thank you❣️
I also write from bed using my phone’s Notes app. I’m slow. I’ll write a line or stanza then my brain is done. My problem is I have many of these started poems but don’t always have the brainwidth to finish them. Something to ponder 🤔. How we have to be creative to figure out how to be creative 😂
“To be bodily constrained, but free poetically.” What a thrilling and beautiful thought! Thank you for sharing that. I struggle with the same issue, of only being able to write a little at a time before my nervous system says enough. Then when I come back to the work, I’m in a different place; it’s hard to maintain momentum. It changes the quality of my writing. We truly have to be creative to figure out how to be creative! Keep me posted on any strategies or insights you discover! And thanks so much for reading this, and for expressing solidarity <3
Yesssss!!!! Thank you for this. Every word. I loved your original post in WITD & this expanded piece is just WOW in its offering of even more resonance & brilliance.
I found my way back to writing while bedridden after an industrial van slammed into me one morning on the way to work.
I had physical, cognitive, & emotional recovery work that is still ongoing.
Though lots better, I still feel remnants of chronic pain & left over bits of a severe post-concussion syndrome; no doubt further complicated by unprocessed preceding trauma & multiple very close deaths in the aftermath. My stamina is simply not the same. Chronic pain vaccilates in its intensity- some days muted in the background & other days, center stage.
I appreciate you writing to this subject with nuance, & specificity; exploring with honesty, creativity & hope. I was always the writer (in grad school esp) who ran on adrenaline; produced work in bursts.
To be honest, I still default to it as my well-worn path. I continue to work hard to forge a new way for my nervous system, to come home to my body, and to access creativity with flexibility and patience. I get incredibly frustrated when life or my own limitations impede or interrupt my flow. I feel so validated and hopeful reading your piece. Thank you for sharing your experience and talent. Xoxo
Admiration & Solidarity!!! Yes🥰
Thank you for your affirming comments.
I Totalllly get what you are saying about the ‘gift’ of illness/injury. I think it is true to say we found the ‘gift’ in our circumstances, felt around for what was there & waded in to this ‘both/and’ space. Or something like that!😂
I am now & maybe forever will be tending to my own hair-pin trigger nervous system. No matter how much I know (cognitively)- one cannot talk themselves safe. Our safety brains require a ‘felt sense.’ I study neuroception with captivated intensity, practice my nervous system routines, use my tools, see my therapist, write 😃-
And although I also feel more integrated - I can still find myself in frantic, wrought ‘spaces’ where I feel ill-equipped (at least for a time). The conditions of my ‘sensitivity’ intersecting with life’s harsh realities will no doubt have me persisting indefinitely in my quest of increasing my nervous system’s flexibility & capacity.
Also- I never knew this about all of these magnificent writers!!! I am so buoyed!!!
Thanks for this beautiful comment! I’m so glad this writing resonated with you. So much admiration and solidarity—I’m inspired that you found your way back to writing after such a catastrophic trauma, and I also hear your frustration. And I agree that unprocessed trauma affects our resiliency and can complicate illness and recovery. Trauma is absolutely correlated with getting the kind of post-viral illness I have, and a part of my recovery has involved processing trauma and healing my hair-trigger nervous system. I am a much more integrated person that I was before the gauntlet of illness. Which feels weird to say, bc obviously I’m not happy about being sick, but I am grateful that my illness has led me to practices for healing the nervous system and integrating trauma.
Isn’t that list of writers inspiring?? It is so important for us to be able to see possibility models in the world for what is possible. And also to find connection and solidarity with other folks who share our struggles ❤️
Love this. Thank you, too, for the mention ❤️
Thank you for reading and commenting! Your work has meant a lot to me ❤️
Girl. You know this resonates. I feel like I've gone through this in gradations, little deaths until the ultimate one with LongCovid (may it be the ultimate). This one's going to get printed out, tacked up at my workstation, keeping me honest with my body and myself and in solidarity with One Who Gets It. Also, *celebration* that your writing is getting longer and longer in this time, YAAAY!
It feels good when other people Get It, doesn't it? Thanks for your solidarity and friendship, and for this lovely feedback! It's funny, this newsletter is obv a platform for publishing and expressing myself, but at the same time this project is so much about learning to create in new ways, which is frustrating, and private, work. I think it's going to take a long time for me to really hit my stride working this way, in dribbles and drabbles over time, while also trying to keep the whole thing straight in my head. Your encouragement means a lot <3
As a full time carer of a grown-up son with severe Long Covid I find this resonates with me so much. I feel blind and bound, surrounded by swords represented by gaslighting doctors and well-meaning friends, who don't believe in LC or ME as a "real" disease. I live in an isolation bubble, knowing full well that any infection brought home will make the disease so much worse. I write in starts-and-stops, depending on how much time I get to myself in a day. "May anger transform into graceful and skillful action that nurtures and inspires new possibilities" resonates deeply. Thank you!!
Thank you for commenting! There are so many of us in our isolation bubbles, dealing with everyday emergencies and being left behind by the systems that are supposed to be serving and healing us. There are more of us every day. There is some strength to be found in the solidarity we create when we connect with each other. Sending so much love and solidarity to you and your son, from my bubble to yours.
This is so inspiring, thank you. I've been living with chronic fatigue for 13 years and the stop-start process of creation has often frustrated me. I love the idea of collaboration with yourself over time and letting ideas and drafts percolate more. I'm an impulsive, get-it-all-out-now type of writer usually so I'm intrigued by the possibilities you point to.
I’m the same way, a stop-and-start creative process does not come naturally to me. But I think it has changed my work in some positive ways. As you experiment with slowness I’d love to hear your thoughts on process and what works, this is still such a potent point of inquiry for me.
What a fabulous offering. Thank you for sharing.
And don't forget Balzac who needed to chain himself to his desk to work!
Eight of Swords is such a loaded card for me as a self-saboteur. Love this take.
thank you. thank you thank you thank you.
Thank you for reading! I’m so glad this resonated ❤️
I love working from bed. I love my life for as much as I can muster. I even (at times) love my disabilities for enriching my life in ways I can’t even name. I have gratitude for my life and coming home to my body, even if it doesn’t want to come home to me. Thank you for putting words to feelings I didn’t know existed and being brave enough to be honest about your journey
Thank you for this beautiful comment! I’m striving to embody the kind of gratitude and pure magical love you describe. It’s a process! So glad this writing resonated.
Beautiful, all of it. The multiple cards, the yellow room, the adrenaline rush description that is so relatable. I took a Saturn course put on by the EK crew and it viewed constraint in this way.
I've been having my own version of this. I was thinking today that the universe seems to want to prevent me from being fully expressed and that's why it keeps presenting just basic level security issues and me constantly fighting with my body. I can feel all the energy pushing up against my ribs and tightening them. My body doesn't want to just sit in a f****** chair. Maybe I'm not supposed to be just expressing the thoughts in my head even though they're beautiful. Maybe I think they're beautiful. Maybe I'm over using this form of connection which is language. Maybe it's telling me that there should be another way to commune versus communicate. Maybe it's in the stillness in the silence. I hate that message. Maybe it's telling me my throat chakra is overused. I hate that message. My voice has always been my strength. Who do we become when we just have to be. That's when we be-come when we can no longer “do.” We are beings, not doings. I also hate that message. Just some ramblings caught by voice dictation.
Being, rather than doing, is so hard, though! Adepts spend lifetimes in meditation learning to be, rather than do. We always are trying to balance the two, and the balance is different for any given moment or situation. Anyway, I think the universe needs your voice, whatever obstacles it's putting in your way. Keep talking, keep writing, keep shining!! And thanks for reading, I'm so glad this resonated.
This really resonates with me too, I'm in the middle of an ME crash which has then helpfully brought on a fibromyalgia flare up 🙄 my body really is communicating the need for rest. Trying to pace my painting that keeps me sane and proper constructive rest
Ugh, I’m sorry you’re crashing! So much solidarity for moving through these experiences, trying to pace, and making space for your art! I hope you find some ease soon ❤️
Thank you ❤️
Thank you! Big big thank you!!
You’re so welcome! Thank you for commenting ❤️
Absolutely love this! Especially as another chronically ill creative. Well done my friend!
Thank you, that means so much!
Beautifully written, Rachel! I’m so glad you’re beginning to find ways to work within your limitations.
Well, I’m a bit of a hypocrite, bc I’ve managed to crash myself in the adrenaline rush of last minute edits and posting. This learning curve is steep! Thanks for reading, and for sharing your experience and work ❤️
Oof. Pacing is hard and requires so much self discipline. But it does get easier with practice. Rest well, friend.